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What Horseback Riding And 24 Executives Taught Me About Gentleness In Leadership

Forbes Coaches Council

CEO of The Trust Architect Group: on a mission to help leaders build more trust in themselves and with others.

In September 2019, I was horseback riding outside of Berlin, Germany. The owner of the farm was giving us instructions on how to properly put on the bridle. I was being a little forceful, so she approached me and said, “Be gentle, Justin. Take your time. These horses do everything for us.”

What a great lesson on how to work with horses and how to lead others effectively. Employees do everything for an organization and its customers. They make a leader’s job easier, allow teams to accomplish more and help an organization build a brand everyone can be proud of. When leaders hold the reins too tightly, they spend so much energy trying to control the journey that everyone is miserable in the process. On the other hand, when leaders hold the reins gently, pull back when needed and are both direct and kind in the directions they give, it’s a more enjoyable experience for everyone.

This defining experience got me thinking about the role gentleness plays in effective leadership. I set out on a mission to discover that answer.

I partnered with the University of Northern Colorado to conduct a nationwide survey of 1,217 full-time employees and 24 virtual interviews with organizational executives on the impact of gentleness. The research concluded on January 15, 2021.

Our research confirmed that participants feel gentleness is a key component of effective leadership in the workplace and is highly related to creating a trusting workplace.

So what does gentleness mean in the context of leadership? It's important to note that gentleness does not mean weakness or ignoring what's happening around you. Instead, gentleness is about using the least amount of force necessary to drive action and maintain trust in the relationship. The best leaders know how to get results while being gentle in the process.

Our survey found that 74% of respondents perceive gentleness as a strength, and 75% agreed/strongly agreed that demonstrating gentleness makes them more effective. From interviews with 24 executive leaders, I also learned that gentleness is the ultimate display of emotional toughness because it requires high levels of self-awareness and self-regulation.

Gentleness in leadership is about starting with heart rather than with a heavy hand. It's about consistently finding the right balance between assertiveness and keeping people emotionally safe. Good leaders prioritize creating a safe environment where people feel they can trust each other. Yet, at the same time, they are willing to be honest with their team and hold them accountable for their actions. Leaders are not gentle when they avoid telling the truth or having tough conversations; they're complicit. This is why gentleness is the ultimate display of leading with both head and heart.

Let's look at an example of gentleness in action. Imagine you are the CEO of a fast-growing tech startup. You have a team of highly skilled engineers who are working on a new product launch. However, the project is behind schedule, and tensions are high. The team is working long hours, and there is a lot of pressure to meet the deadline.

As the CEO, you have a choice. You could take a hardline approach and demand that everyone work even harder to meet the deadline. You could be aggressive, criticize people for not working hard enough and threaten consequences if the project doesn't meet the deadline. Alternatively, you could take a gentler approach. You could acknowledge that the team is working hard and that the project is challenging. You could ask them how you can support them and provide them with the resources they need to succeed. You could encourage them to take breaks and prioritize their health and well-being.

The second approach is gentler and will likely be more effective. Gentleness is a strategic choice for playing the long game. By acknowledging the team's hard work and providing them with the support they need, you're building trust and respect. This, in turn, makes them more likely to be motivated and engaged in their work. By encouraging them to take breaks and prioritize their health and well-being, you're showing them that you care about them as people, not just as workers. This, in turn, leads to a more positive and uplifting workplace culture where people feel supported and encouraged.

Ultimately, I believe there is a growing movement of leaders who are discovering the power of gentleness. Gentle leaders are the ones who leave a positive lasting impression, create a culture of respect and keep people coming back for more. Our research proved that gentleness is good for leadership and for creating workplace cultures that bring out the best in others. So the next time you’re about to respond, I hope you’ll pause and ask yourself: What choice would I make if I were coming from a place of gentleness?

Remember, gentleness may often be a small gesture, but it has the power to create a big impact on those around us and in the world we lead.


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